Twas the night before the last chemotherapy

We were sitting on Isha’s bunk bed and Kintan said, “Mummy will you die?”

I paused for a moment and then realised that this is worse than the dreaded “how are babies made question”. It took me by surprise, but in a way I felt happy that Kintan felt he could ask me. My addiction to Agatha Christie movies means that both the kids know about Mrs. Marple and murder and death. 

 

However, the sincerity and curiosity in his voice made me feel slightly insecure.  Should I lie and say “no” or just say, “maybe” or not answer?

Unfortunately my impulsiveness took over and blurted out,

 “Yes.  One day.  We all die”. 

 

Kintan seemed satisfied and started jumping around the room. Then something happened that completely shocked me. 

Isha.  My little five year old darling said, “Are you going to die mama?”  Then she burst out crying.  I mean real big honest tears.  I couldn’t believe it.   I gave her a hug and she said,

 

“I don’t want you to die mama”. 

 

Now, I burst out crying too and we lay on the bed and I hugged her saying that “I won’t die for a long long time”.

 

To keep that promise, help me live longer and in aide of my last chemotherapy tomorrow.....

 

This photo will be a reminder of how horrible chemotherapy is and how it has made me face turn into a balloon and me feel awful.  Every time I consider having a glass of wine or champagne – I will turn to it and hopefully think again.

Now, I am not going to turn into Lance Armstrong and I still can’t ride a bike... but I will be getting fitter, healthier and (for the sake of my husband) sexier .....  post chemo.

 

I know I have seven weeks of radiation in front of me... but fingers crossed that will not be as bad as this. 

 

I am still dreading chemotherapy and I have been told that the sixth is the worst and strongest chemotherapy... so wish me luck and I will blog again with an update on pain, pain and more pain...

Comments

[Heather Wettig-Zenz]

Good Luck tomorrow Bena w/ your last final chemo girl! I will be thinking of you...sending hugs and good well wishes ! :)You go girl :) Love Ya ~ Heather Lynne Zenz

[kumari bowry]

our prayers are with you and always will be . sending you all my love and lots of hugs to you and kintan and isha and ian.

your uncle bindo

[Prem Saint]

Dear Bena:

Our thoughts and prayers will be with you for your final dose of chemotherapy. We are amazed with your honesty and courage in dealing with your challenges and especially in your response to Kintan and Isha. We love you very much.
Raksha Aunty and Prem Kishore Uncle

[Ajay Sharma]

Bena,
Sweetie, hang in there, hopefully the last one you have to face.
Will be thinking of you..
Aay

[Harshi Gill]

Thinking of you, Bena. I admire your courage and honesty in sharing your experiences. Sending you every possible vibe that's positive and loving.

[Rakhi]

Bena -Very Best of luck tomorrow - love & prays to you and the family - Rakhi

[Celeena Pompeo]

Bena ~ We're sending you all our love and prayers. Your honesty and courage is truly an inspiration to all of us. Love, Celeena and Thomas

[Archana Shah]

Bena,
You are very Brave. Hang in there!
God Bless you and we are thinking of you in our every prayers.
Archana, Viren, Pooja and Poonam Shah from Corona USA

[Bena Roberts]

Wow! Thank-you Heather, Uncle Bindo, Aunty Raksha and Uncle Prem, Rakhi, Ajay, Celeena, Harshi and Archana! Thank-you also Renu and Vandana from the other posts - I appreciate your support - VERY much.

The chemo was hard as usual, I will publish some pictures shortly.

[Olivia Gibney]

Dear Bena
I've been thinking of you and your lovely family. I hope this last session's effects don't prove as hard as you fear.
with love, Olivia

[Anna Szabó]

Dear Bena,

be sure, chemos will be over (my last one was in March of 2003). I have MBC, triple negative. And triple kids: they already are 20, 19, and 17.
I hope you will have time and strength to bring up your smart kids.
Hugs: Anna from Hungary

[Bena Roberts]

Thank-you Olivia - its so nice re-connecting with you after all this time.
Anna - I am so glad you survived and are doing well - thank-you so much for sharing. I used to live in Hungary in Budapest and I loved it. Bena

[Rae Burton]

Dear Bena,
Rae here. I am starting on my second year of chemo, and because I have metastasis, I probably will have chemo forever. But.....I am alive!!!!
And happy and functioning fairly well, just tired.
I am going to a wedding today for a young niece. I'm slow getting ready, but I'm going!!
Blessings to you and your family. You are a brave determined girl, and this makes you a survivor.
If you can find the time consider reading:
Bernie seigle, MD - Love Medicine and Miracles
Patrick Quillen, Beating Cancer with Nutrition
Rachel Remen, MD any of her books
Love and hugs from a metaplastic and trip neg sister
Rae

Excellent books for survivors