The sixth chemotherapy has been the worst. The horrible side effects that I have been forced to endure over the past two weeks have left me sullen and disillusioned.
I can only say this so many times – but in short – there must be an alternative to chemotherapy. The drugs are so strong and the side effects only serve strip dignity from the soul.
No. I am not being positive. I don’t want to be and I am sick and tired of everyone saying “be positive”. Positivity will not help you deal with the side effects: true grit and determination win. Anyone that survives chemotherapy has done it because of themselves and its nothing to do with being positive, prayer or anything else.
No. I am no longer depressed and I am not mumbling along. I am trying to make the point that chemotherapy is not cheerful. It is miserable and after completing it – I don’t feel joyous and I don’t want to rejoice. I want to hide in a hole until all my side effects are gone and then move forward... but the reality of the matter is; that you don’t get a chance to hide.
Before you can enjoy a bit of life or hold the hand of a neighbour you get pushed into radiation.
Anyway, I will talk about radiation later – I plan to do a daily short post to follow me through the 36 days zapping.
The soles of my feet have lost their skin and it’s very painful to stand or walk
My feet are black and swollen
My legs are full or water and I can’t bend them
I have large purple marks on my legs that are very painful
My chemo belly remains
My hands were swollen but now at least I can type
My arms are so full of water that I have been referred to another doctor for Lymph drainage
I have the same purple marks on my legs on my arms
The spot where the chemo needle was placed has become infected and turned purple
My weight was the same the whole chemo apart from the fifth chemo where I put on 2kg and now on the sixth chemo I am 4kg heavier – but the doctor thinks it is water.
My looks are terrible now; I am a walking watermelon with a big bald head.
Bena, You are so right it is will, true grit and determination that gets you through it.
I know chemo is very toxic, you can get through this and you will just by your determination to fight.
Love to you all
Babs Lamber and Kirin X
Posted by: Suneeta | April 23, 2010 at 09:15 AM
Bena girl ~ your words spring complete truth...you need to honor where you are and the title of your blog is complete honesty . No one really understands until you have been through it....they can "empathize".....but truly not know~ Just want to let you know I am thinking of you and hoping and praying for a better tomorrow! You WILL prevail !!!! Hugs and Love ~ Heather Lynne
Posted by: Heather Wettig-Zenz | April 23, 2010 at 04:13 PM
dearest bena,
just thank you for writing. It is my daily dose of meeting you and feeling the pain and anger you go through. Thinking of you and kintan isha and ian . Lots and lots of hugs. just as you read this smile for me.
love and hugs
kumari and bindo uncle
Posted by: kumari bowry | April 23, 2010 at 11:58 PM
Dear Bena
So sad to hear what a horrible time you're having. I think of you every day and hope things get better for you very soon.
love, Olivia xx
Posted by: Olivia Gibney | April 26, 2010 at 12:29 PM